4 Main Reasons to Change for No One

Sometimes, people want you to change for them, and you shouldn’t. Regardless of it’s a new lover or old friend, you have no obligation to change for anyone. Here are the 4 main reasons to not change for anybody (As an aside, there are questions throughout. Answer them in a journal or somewhere else. They’ll help you define your boundaries):

1. Fundamentally You

Who are you, and what do you believe in? What makes you smile or gives you pause or inspires you to act? How do you find joy in day-to-day life? How do to react to negative situations or people? All of this, in part, makes you who you are. If someone is trying to change something about you that is fundamental, exit stage left.

As you know, not everyone has the same sense of humor, and some comedians are hated. Hated comedians tend to have small but strong fanbases. Not everyone is a fan, but if you are, you might have trouble with friends or a spouse.

For example, controversial comedian Anthony Jeselnik makes “dead baby” jokes. Many are repulsed by this and don’t see the humor in it. If you’re a fan, the person you date might want you to stop tuning in to Jeselnik. Should you actually cancel your favorite comedian for someone you’re dating? What else will you have to cancel?

Your sense of humor is fundamentally part of you, and you shouldn’t change your fundamental characteristics for people. Revel in your humor, curiosity and coarse language. There are others out there who can relate.

2. Therapeutic Leisure Activities

“When are you going to turn the video game off?” If you’ve ever heard that before, here’s your pass to turn it off when you feel like it. This goes for any leisure activity that gives you joy.

Not everybody plays video games for hours or hang out at sketchy pool halls. Some people prefer not to be in tight space full of smoke, drinkers and slamming pool balls. But some people love these scenes. Maybe you do.

Do you remember the hole in the wall you and your siblings used to love eating at? The place was not the cleanest, but it’s where you made your memories. Sometimes, you still go. But what happens if the person you’re dating tells you they don’t want you at that hole in the wall or a place where people smoke and drink?

How much does your day-to-day happiness matter to you? When it’s important, you take time to do what you like to do. You shouldn’t feel guilty for painting “too much” or enjoying what you like to enjoy. Activities that bring you happiness, joy or peace are more important than cutting them out to please someone else.

You’re an autonomous individual, and no one has control over you. However, due to social constructs, some people are linked by friendship, romance, employment or otherwise. Depending on the perceived position someone has in your life, they feel they have control over you. They don’t. Have fun.

3. Changing Helps Them Not You

When someone complains that you’re cheap, they’re saying that from their own perspective. They wanted $50, but you gave them only $5. Now, they think you should change, i.e. spend more money on them. How does this help you?

More often than not, some people have ulterior motives. Their sole agenda is to get you to do what they want. Their complaints lead back to changing aspects of who you are to benefit them. Therefore, be aware of what a person is really trying to do. Ask yourself, why do they want me to change? How does it help me? How does it help them?

You’ve played video games or watched sports your entire life. When was the last time doing either of those things was a problem for you? Did you end up in rehab or stealing from family members to support your football habit?

You didn’t because it’s not that serious, and there is nothing wrong with the activities you enjoy. While it’s true you have to make sacrifices sometimes to save relationships or friendships, those sacrifices must not be just about pleasing someone else.

In this story, you’re the main character. Friends, lovers and coworkers come and go, but you remain constant. Being the protagonist in your story, you can’t allow others to shape the overall arc of it. You live your life with or without them.

4. You Simply Don’t Want To

Don’t give up your dark sense of humor or dive bars, and don’t explain why. Your guilty pleasures are yours to have. You don’t have to write a justification letter to anybody. “No” is good enough, and it’s powerful.

As you’ll find, the word “no” is strong because it protects you. In awkward situations, sometimes you stumble over your words trying to say “no” in the nicest way possible. It just turns into a rambling monologue and ends with you reversing and agreeing to do what you didn’t want to do. “No” is one syllable. It’s quick. Once you say it the first time, it’s easier to say it the next time.

Because of that, get into the habit of saying no without explanation. Hear the person out and consider their point. But if you genuinely aren’t harming anyone and prefer not to change what they’re asking, don’t. You’re not Mr. Potato Head meant to be constructed by the user. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.

The Takeaway

Because of Relationships, friendships and other social constructs, some people think they have control over you. They believe their role in your life gives them permission to control who you are or what you do. You are an autonomous human being, and literally no one has any control over you. Enjoy your dive bars, video-game binging and off-color comedy. Invoke the word “no” more often, and explain yourself to no one. Change only what you want to change about yourself when you’re ready. You’re the hero in this story.

This article was written by Jermaine Reed, MFA, the Editor-in-Chief of The Reeders Block. Join the email list to get notifications on new blog posts and books. This article is 100% human-written. And remember, if you see an error, that’s what makes us human.