Don’t Be Complicit in Enabling Bad Behavior: Just Say No

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The line between being a supportive friend and an enabler is often blurry. When does “We had so much fun drinking that you blacked out” turn into “I think you have a drinking problem and maybe you should see someone”? As a friend, it’s your responsibility to address when someone you care about is headed down a bad path. If you don’t and something bad happens to them, are you at least partly to blame? These are complex questions that can determine if you’re a good friend or a liability.

What Makes an Enabler?

Enablers don’t cause the problem, but they provide the means by which to make things worse.

If a man is belligerent while slurring his speech to order another drink, the enabler is the bartender who slides the next shot glass to him. Enabling isn’t restricted solely to substance abuse. It can happen in any situation where a friend or family member is struggling with destructive behavior, whether it’s gambling, overspending or addiction.

How Enabling Happens

Enabling is any action you take to soften the natural consequences of a person’s poor choices, providing the means for the cycle of bad behavior to continue.

When Tina calls up her sister to borrow money, her sister knows it’ll be wasted on lottery tickets. Why does she still give her the money? She knows Tina will spend her last dollar on the Lotto and has even skipped bills to do so. Tina has a gambling problem, and her sister is contributing to it.

Sometimes, enabling is logistical. A friend calls for a ride to the liquor store or asks to borrow your car knowing they’ll drive drunk. Whatever they ask for, when it’s given to them by a person who knows it’s going to be misused, that person accepts partial responsibility for the outcome.

How to Stop Enabling

Saying no to a family member or friend can cause awkward tension and even temporary resentment, but it’s an important step toward helping the one you care about get better. Not enabling requires focused effort, since there are so many ways to do it unintentionally.

1. Redirect the Request (The Soft “No”)

Beyond just saying no, you can redirect that person to a healthier alternative. The goal is to be helpful, but not enabling.

• If they ask you to go to a bar, redirect them by inviting them to have a walk in the park, go to the gym or do something else that involves no alcohol.

• If they ask to borrow money, offer to help with a specific, real need instead of forking over cash. If they say they need the money for food, send them a delivery order or take them groceries. If they need to get to work, offer a ride or a bus pass. This meets the real need without fueling the problem.

2. Force Introspection (Ask Probing Questions)

In the instance they still press you or argue, gently ask questions that prompt them to think before they respond. This subtle pressure provokes more self-reflection.

• “Why do you want to go to the bar? We went a few nights ago. Don’t you want to let your body detoxify from all the liquor you’ve had recently?”

• “What bill are you trying to pay? Can we call the company together to work out a payment plan?”

Asking questions like these will often cause them to question themselves or, at the very least, wonder why you’re questioning them.

3. When to Confront and Seek Professional Help

Where the issue is a noticeable problem, you must speak up directly. This is the hardest step, but it can be a necessary good awakening for your friend.

• Focus on behavior not character. Tell your friend or family member that you’ve noticed specific behaviors (like “I’ve noticed you’ve been skipping work and drinking during the day”) and that you’re concerned they might need professional help.

• Offer support not solutions. Tell them you’re there for them, but motivate them to talk to a professional counselor, therapist or support group. Your job is to support their recovery, not to manage their life.

Protect Your Own Boundaries (A Side Note)

As a side note, remember that setting firm boundaries is vital for your own emotional protection. When you stop enabling, be prepared for likely pushback, anger or guilt-trips from the person struggling with problematic behavior. Stand firm in the knowledge that you are doing the right thing for both of you.

The Takeaway

Don’t enable the bad behavior of people you love and care about. Enabling comes in many forms, and not doing it can feel wrong at times. It is easier to give the tools for bad behavior than to deny the person asking. Enablers actually make things worse. Instead, redirect the person, or encourage them to get professional help. Protect yourself, and remind yourself that by not enabling, you’re doing the right thing. It’s tough love, but it’s love nonetheless.

FOLLOW the author Jermaine Reed, MFA on X @ Jermaine Reed, MFA for his controversial but real hot takes.