Don’t Feed the Wolves: Set Boundaries Instead

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People often feel compelled to give their loved ones or friends what they ask for. This is true even even when the person giving is losing. This is honorable, but it’s detrimental to you, the giver.

When You Normalize Entitlement

You have those few people who always turn to you to borrow things or ask for favors. They probably tell you, “You’re the only person I can depend on.” This sounds good, but it’s actually terrible for you.

That in mind, everything is fine when you say yes, but it goes downhill when you say no. You don’t always have the time or resources to do something for someone else. Sometimes, you’re in a jam, and the person asking you for something can’t help you. But they also can’t understand you, and this is problematic.

When you are trying to figure out where to get your car repaired, you don’t have the time or resources to focus on anyone else. What does that mean to the person pressuring you for money or favors? It means nothing to them. They don’t care that your car needs repairing. They want what they called for. This creates tension.

A person who is frustrated because they can’t get something out of you believes you owe them. Because you’ve regularly given them what they want, they view your “no” or “not right now” as a sign of disrespect. Who are you to tell them no? They will argue with you, call you names and threaten you. All of this for what?

Well, they have become entitled to what you work for. They see you as a source of funding or favors. As they said, you’re “the only person” they can depend on. The translation is, no one else gives me what I want. You’re relentless giving has now created an enemy.

The person you thought you were helping now sees your boundary as a personal attack. More importantly, you are now an enemy to your own peace and financial stability because you didn’t prioritize your own needs.

Now, take a moment to practice saying “no” or “I can’t do it right now. You’re practicing setting boundaries and taking care of yourself. That’s not a crime. Get in the habit of setting boundaries now. If you wait too long to set boundaries, those used to taking advantage of you won’t like it. And they’ll show it.

Bitter Bickering Backstabbers

The quickest way to make an enemy is to normalize entitlement. Nobody gets upset quicker than a person who’s been cut off from a gravy train. You shouldn’t be surprised when the person you enabled starts a dirt-throwing marathon behind your back.

After you tell an entitled person no, they say not to talk to them again, and then they slander your name. To mutual friends or family, they paint you as an evil crook behind your back. They don’t mention the one thousand dollars you gave them over time. They rant about the five dollars you didn’t give them.

Meanwhile, you have no idea any of this is going on behind your back. Now, certain family members think you’re evil. Or you’re coworkers think you can’t be trusted. The bitter backstabber has damaged your reputation. And they’re still mad, and you don’t know what they’re thinking.

Some people get so upset about not having what’s yours, they threaten bodily harm to you. Then, they plan it. Think about the thought process of someone angry enough to attack you for saying no. It sounds extreme, but these are the lengths that desperate people go to when they want to take what’s not theirs.

What Boundaries Look Like

Waking up to a friend’s drunk 3 a.m. phone call is irritating. You’re right to hang up when you realize it’s no emergency. It’s simple to tell your friend not to drunk call you at 3 am, but how do you tell your best friend or closest cousin they’re overstepping?

To do this, you must identify what’s truly bothering you. Is it time, money or stress? Then, you have to commit to using language that is solid, brief and unapologetic. Unfortunately, the pressure to please others is normal, but you don’t have to say “Yes.” You can set specific boundaries.

• Setting Financial Boundaries

When money is involved, your boundary must be a nonnegotiable p rule. You owe no explanation for how you manage your cash.

Instead of justifying, if asked for a loan, clearly say, “I do not lend money to anyone, family or friends. It’s a hard rule I have for myself to protect our relationship.”

If asked to co-sign, be an absolute, immediate “No.” Your final response should be, “No. I don’t co-sign loans under any circumstances.”

• Defending Your Time and Peace

Protect your energy and focus, which are essential to your mental wellbeing. Here are some casual statements to achieve that.

For last-minute, big favors, “I can’t do that. I have commitments that I can’t move right now” works well.

For repeated, habitual requests, just say, “My bandwidth is full. You’ll need to figure out a different solution for that going forward.” Practice these responses. They’ll protect and restore your mental and spiritual energy. When they don’t work, just calmly repeat yourself.

• The Broken Record Strategy

When you say no, the entitled person will often resort to arguing, negotiating or guilt-tripping. Do not engage in a debate.

Simply repeat your boundary statement like a broken record until they stop pressing. Here’s an example:

Entitled Person: “You’re being selfish, you used to help me!’

You: “I’m not debating my decision. It’s final.”

How you respond is up to you, but social constructs don’t mean you have to bend to the will of those you love. As much as you love them, you have to love yourself as well. The happiness of the soul is self-sustaining.

The Takeaway

I challenge you to use what you’ve learned here to set effective boundaries. You now have the language and the framework to stop feeding the takers or wolves in your life. The time for reflection is over. It’s time for action. Use this checklist immediately:

Step 1: Identify and define it. Write down the name of the one person who most consistently violates your boundaries. Next to their name write the specific boundary you are setting such as no more loans or calls after 7 pm.

Step 2: Script your defense. Practice the “Broken Record” technique using your clear, concise “No” statement. Write your script on a sticky note, and keep it visible. This prepares you for the inevitable argument that follows the boundary. Wait 72 hours. Here’s why.

The 72-Hour Wolf Test

You have 72 hours from the moment you finish reading this article. If that person, the relentless demander, the emotional drain, the one you identified in Step 1, comes to you with a request within these three days, that is your sign.

That request is your urgent, definitive signal that it’s time to set boundaries. The Universe has confirmed your need for action. Do not hesitate. Use your script, protect your peace and prove that you are no longer a source for the leeches to feed on. Then, accept what comes next.

Step 3: Accept the Backlash. You read about the “Bitter Bickering Backstabbers.” Know that the slander and anger are not a sign that you did something wrong; they are proof that your boundary was necessary. Accept their anger as validation of your decision.

The first “No” is the hardest. Make it today.

FOLLOW the author Jermaine Reed, Jermaine Reed, MFA for his controversial but real hot takes.