In Case You’re Too Hard on Yourself

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Student intake can be like a therapy session. As an educator of adults, I often meet people who feel they “started too late,” “wasted time” and “haven’t gone anywhere.” They tell me these things as they sit across from me, enrolling in one of my classes. They can’t see the irony of taking steps forward while also robbing themselves of credit. Living in self-criticism, they are blind to their own progress. What they don’t realize is, they deserve to treat themselves better and to congratulate themselves. They must learn how. In case you are too hard on yourself, here is your recipe for celebrating yourself.

The Little Wins

Sometimes, you earn a certificate, and it ends up in a drawer. Or it ends up as a lost file somewhere on your computer. You probably got it after completing a short course or as an award for being outstanding. But that certificate isn’t a degree, and that’s what you really want. So, the certificate doesn’t matter to you, but it should. It should be the accelerator to accomplishing your goals, whether that’s breaking a bad habit or earning a certificate.

To achieve anything, you need motivation. Some motivating factors get you going. Others keep you going. Your internal motivation makes you want to earn the certificate. Actually earning it makes you want to do more. It’s an external achievement that feeds your internal motivation. This can only happen if you view the certificate as an achievement itself. You have to know what the “little wins” are and celebrate them.

In self-improvement, there are no true “little wins.” Any step you make toward self-improvement is a big deal. Consistency is key, and it requires dedication to repetition. This happens gradually and not between twilights. As an example, breaking bad habits can be harder than being nice to an ex. Even if you don’t break it today, trying matters.

If you’re putting cigarettes down, you probably had 10 today. A nonsmoker will tell you that’s a lot. But the “you” from three months ago would say, “Good work cutting back on a pack a day.” You’ve made progress, and it’s worth celebrating. Doing so reminds you of where you started and where you are. There’s always room for growth, and the growth that happens needs space in your mind. However, the value of that growth is devalued by those who don’t understand it.

Success is Personal Not Relative

Yesterday, you cooked steak for the first time, and your kid came back for thirds. That made your heart melt, but your critics want to know, why? Chef Gordon Ramsey serves thousands a day, and the critics give him Michelin Stars. How many of those do you have? Why does your steak matter when Chef Ramsey does it better? Now, pause. Ask yourself, why is anybody comparing your steak to Chef Ramsey’s? Why are you? This is a recipe for self-sabotage in the worst way.

In a marathon, coaches tell their star runners to not ever look back. When they do, they risk tripping over their own feet or giving up their lead, coming off as unconfident and unsure. If you are in a marathon, the biggest mistake you can make is focusing on your competition. If you are living your life with a purpose, you realize you are in a marathon of one.

That certificate will have your name on it. Your body will heal in the absence of nicotine. You will walk across that stage and receive proof of something no one can ever take away from you. Your success will not change the next person’s body or financial situation. It will alter your path, your kids and others around you who benefited from your success. You just have to remind yourself to not look back. You have to know what looking back is.

On those days when you criticize yourself for leaving school or not breaking a bad habit quickly enough, you’re looking back for the wrong reasons. Your past happened, and it’s a blueprint not a scroll of failure. It shows what you’ve done wrong but also right. You can’t make good decisions without making, and learning from, the bad. Don’t look back to sulk in “what-ifs.” Look back for the inspiration of what you will do differently but also do more of. Everything hasn’t been bad, even if it sometimes feels that way.

The Takeaway

I had a friend who had a saying about life. He used to say, “It ain’t all good, but it ain’t all bad either.” This was always a heavy phrase coming from him. He had seen some things in life, but he brought light with him everywhere he went. And he always had places he needed to go. Even after hitting rough patches, he pushed through knowing negativity is offset by positivity. This is something we should all know.

Regardless of the cracks and bumps in the sidewalk, you will get to where you’re going. The next step can’t happen without the one before it. So, standing in this moment, you know forward is the only way to go. And each step forward is a step worth celebrating. Give yourself credit.

Your Homework: Get a journal and title it. On the first page, list things you have done and accomplished. On the next page, list one big thing you will accomplish and two small ones. List the general dates you’ll achieve these by. List out the resources you already have like your cellphone. Then, write your plan. Update as you go along. Show yourself who you are.

Jermaine Reed, MFA is an educator and thought leader. FOLLOW him for more real talk on the marathon of life.