How the “I Can Do It Alone” Mindset Ruined Relationships

Photo from Enigma-Mag.com.

When did relationships become competitions? I love women. I haven’t ever dated one I didn’t, who I didn’t see as one of a kind. Most men view the women they date as their everything. They treat them that way as well. This is why a man in love will walk a mile to the store for a woman or drive a thousand miles.

But some men point out a new wave of women overwhelmingly appearing in the dating pool who say, “I don’t need a man. I have my own apartment, car and job. What do I need a man for? I might want one, but I don’t need one.” Men argue there is too much wrong with this poor reasoning.

Spouses Do What You Don’t Want To

Let’s imagine a man who has started an online art gallery. He had been selling a good amount of art, but now his work is viral. He’s thinking about hiring someone to manage the surging online orders. This would give him more time to focus on creating art. Creating more art and dealing less with business tasks would make him happier. But he’s been fulfilling the orders alone and creating art, so he thinks he can continue to do it alone. He might lose sleep and some happiness, but at least he will still be doing it by himself. Should the artist hire someone, or should he continue alone?

If you said he should hire someone, he absolutely should. This would improve his quality of life. The same logic applies in relationships. You can cook, clean and work, while maintaining your household. Grocery shopping isn’t that difficult, and washing isn’t either. Still, there is almost nothing that makes a person happier than not having to do something they didn’t want to do. Therefore, people should be open to connecting with their better half to have them do the things they don’t want to do.

When you find your better half, you supplement one another. Naturally, some responsibilities will fall more heavily on one person. This is no cause for alarm to reasonable people. Relationships are not about keeping score. They’re about growing together and supporting one another. As far as some responsibilities falling more heavily on one person, it’s usually that way.

Now, this example is not meant to be reflective of all women or all men. Men overwhelmingly brush snow off cars because, what man will let the woman he loves freeze her hands off? And also because she doesn’t want to do it. She can, but it’s not for her. Some women don’t think men clean the home as well as they do, so they don’t mind washing the dishes. These women just don’t want to catch salmonella behind poorly washed dishes. It’s like that sometimes. In business they say, 100% of nothing is nothing, but many women in the dating field have the “all or nothing attitude.”

The “All (My Way) or Nothing” Archetype

The “All or Nothing” archetype is pledging to not ever wash dishes, cook or clean in a relationship. This type of woman will do those things only for herself (and kids when she has them) when she is single. It’s twisted logic to some men. This type would rather be single and do those things 100% of the time alone than to be in a relationship and do them sometimes.

If your bills were suddenly split in half, how would you feel? Well, some women in the dating field would dislike this. Of course, that’s pertaining to women who complain about potentially paying 50% of the bills while in a relationship, even though they are currently paying 100% while single.

It is true that women in relationships tend to do more grocery shopping and cooking, and you can find data to support that position all day. The issue is, men address pest problems, cut grass, shovel snow and so on. Yes, women can do these things, just like men can (somewhat) grocery shop and clean. Do you really think a woman wants to be shoveling a driveway way in winter Minnesota? Do you think the man who truly loves her wouldn’t make her a cup of tea and take care of the driveway? This is the treatment lover women get, while other choose a more difficult, uncomfortable path.

The More Difficult Path

The “I Can Do It Myself” woman is taking a more difficult, uncomfortable path to prove a point to… whom? Is she proving the point to herself? Is she proving it to an ex, or is she proving it to all mankind? Either way, some men say it is a moot point because no one gets points for being an adult. Men definitely don’t. Also, what’s great about choosing the lonely path with broken glass over traveling it with someone who can at least help you navigate? Men in the dating field argue that the “I Can Do It Myself” type live in a suspended state of delusion.

Although the numbers are disputed, some studies claim 1/3 children paternity tested by court order are not the children of the alleged father. That means 33% of children in this study shared no DNA with the man. Even with this being the case, men point out some women still push the narrative that men are cheaters. They aren’t saying, “Men are bigger cheaters.” They are saying, “Men are cheaters, and women don’t cheat.” Any honest stats will prove otherwise.

Some men contend that since no one is challenging the narrative, it is easy for the women who cheat to do so and be portrayed as if they wouldn’t. They say some of these women have embraced the victim mindset so much, they go into real American court to sue a man who is not the father for child support. These women show up to every court date and submit themselves and their children to DNA tests knowing the child might not be the accused father’s. This is absolutely baffling to men. Those men ask, “Without any shame, this is the route some of them choose?”

Furthermore, some women don’t have kids and don’t want to cook, clean or work. The question is, what will she (the women who believe this as an archetype) be doing? There are 24 hours in a day, and apparently the maid will do all the housework, so what will she be doing? Will she wait for her man by the window like Rapunzel until he gets home from work? What’s the logic?

When their complaints are listened to, some men say they come down to how a man breathes when he’s talking. A woman might dislike a man for that. So, basically, his existence, based on breathing oxygen, bothers her from his perspective. Men believe they must be careful with these women because these women are happiness siphons in their view. Men have come to conclude there is nothing a man can do to make them happy. No one can spark happiness in a person who has none.

Unfortunately, these types are viewed as forever scarred. Men in the dating field have found this archetype will always see men only as enemies. They think anything a man does is a challenge to them. They must prove they can do it too. Anybody can do anything, but it’s about who does for them and what they do for the other person. It’s reciprocal.

On another note, one has to cook or clean in a relationship, male or female. Every person who is single does on some level. Relationships involve compromise, knowing your deal-breakers but also the other person’s. It’s about supplementing each other. It is not a competition about who can do what alone. If it was, what purpose would relationships serve? When you cook or clean for someone or get ice off their car in ten-below weather, you do it out of love. You don’t look at a scorecard before deciding.

I wANt a MaN. I DoN’t NeED a MaN.

The new catchphrase from this archetype “I want a man. I don’t need a man” is just another way to attempt to devalue men. Imagine a man saying, “I want a woman. I don’t need one.” He would (rightfully) be laughed out of the conversation. If you are a woman reading this, if a man ever tells you he “wants you” but he doesn’t “need you,” most reasonable men would say to run.

To continue, it is not hard for a man to realize he doesn’t need a woman to cook for him. He can do that himself. He needs the woman, the energy, her. He also needs her to do what he doesn’t want to do and not what he can’t do. He can cook, but he would like if she did. She can rake the lawn or mow it or clean the pool, but she’d feel better if she didn’t have to. I stress, there is much happiness in a person’s not having to do what they don’t want to do.

Men say this archetype can articulate what they think a man needs a woman for but not what a woman needs a man for. This type of woman would say, “A man needs a woman to cook and clean” (even though that’s not the case). When men say, “Women need men to mow the lawn (or whatever),” the women say, “Women can do that themselves.” They usually have no answer when a man says, “And men can cook and clean. What does that mean?” Yes, women can do whatever household tasks men do. Yes, men can do any housework a woman can. Now, divide up the duties, according to what makes both of you the happiest.

“I can do it myself” is played out. People who do it with a loving, trustworthy partner not only do it better but happier. The less you have to do that you don’t want to, the happier you are. It improves your quality of life drastically. When you have no one else to call but know that one person will be there, that is the comfort and value of a relationship. Delegate duties.

The Takeaway

All responsible adults can cook and clean and shovel snow. Anybody can wash dishes or get flowers for themselves. The purpose of relationships is to connect with someone you supplement and who supplements you. Relationships are not competitions and shouldn’t be seen that way. All competitions have losers. In a healthy relationship, there are two winners.