In Case You Are a Lover

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If you are a lover, you look to the stars at night, protect others and put them before yourself. You find the joy in difficult situations. When there is no joy, you bring it. So, people gravitate towards you. Many of those people mean well. But a select few exploit the things that make you a lover. If you are a lover, you still need boundaries, or manipulators will take advantage.

Draining Your Well

You are a well of positivity filled with motivation and love. You naturally dig deep within yourself to find what others are searching for. And then you give it to them, unconditionally. But as you fill and refill their cups from your well, who or what is refilling you?

In successful symbiotic relationships, both parties contribute equally to one another. That is, they speak that person’s love language, even if it is not their own. As an example, your love language might be words of affirmation. You like being motivated. But your partner loves gifts. Your relationship thrives because you always know which gift to get them. And they always tell you, “You got this. Nobody can stop you.” And they show you. This seems small, but it makes a difference.

… you realize they’re just manipulating you.

When you don’t receive what you need, it feels like there’s something missing. As the relationship goes on, the lack of words of affirmation dampers your mood. It makes you question yourself and if you are good enough. All while these defeating thoughts jog through your head, you’re still buying gifts to please the other person. You’re still giving them words of affirmation.

Too lately, you realize they’re just manipulating you. It doesn’t have to be this way. You can draw boundaries and communicate your preferences. Setting your love language helps to do this.

Translating Your Love Language

How many people know your second favorite food or poem? How often do you express to others what you like? In conversation, you listen deeply. You give advice when prompted, and you share when asked. But sometimes, people don’t ask, and you don’t tell. This lack of meaningful communication leads to a one-sided relationship. But it’s easy to prevent.

When you’re getting to know someone, ask them their love language. This is a new concept for some. So, be ready to explain what it is. If needed, help them find theirs. Before you do that, find and know your own. These are the five love languages with some explanations.

Now, this doesn’t mean you’re locked into one love language. It’s actually common for people to prefer receiving love in a combination of the love languages. The point is to communicate yours upfront before the relationship progresses. This isn’t something you do in one sitting. It takes time and many conversations, verbal and in messages. Once you’ve done that, make your boundaries clear.

Expressing Boundaries

Most people won’t call you at 2 am, but when someone does, it can become a problem. In the instance you let it slide the first time, it’ll happen again. This is because the other person doesn’t know your boundaries. How do you handle something like this?

While you don’t want to, you have to correct them in the moment. When someone crosses a boundary, the best time to correct them is then. Otherwise, the behavior escalates. They see your lack of boundaries as a pass to do nearly anything to you. Because they don’t respect your boundaries, if you push back too lately, it will turn ugly. So, don’t wait. Speak up. Before it even gets there, you should express some baseline boundaries.

People who care about you care about your boundaries.

What are your pet-peeves? Do “close talkers” make you cringe? Do you prefer quietness while you work on your own projects? All of this matters in creating a functional relationship. If you say what you will and won’t accept, the other party is not as likely to cross the line. When they do, they at least know prior that it won’t make you happy.

Successful boundaries work well for all parties involved. Relationships become easier to navigate when there is mutual respect and understanding. People who care about you care about your boundaries. They want you to be comfortable with them, and they won’t overstep. For the most part. When they do, intentionally or unintentionally, they are human enough to apologize. For scripts on how to say no nicely but firmly, read this article. Your boundaries matter.

The Takeaway

If you are a lover, you give others, even when it’s not easy. You’re the person anyone can call in a jam. And you care about other people. Being a lover doesn’t mean allowing someone to cross your boundaries or misuse you. It means continuing to fill cups with love, while connecting with people who refill your well. Set boundaries, communicate and share your love language. The worthy will always be there and seek you out. Be solid in who you are and what you’ll stand for.

FOLLOW the author Jermaine Reed, Jermaine Reed, MFA for his controversial but real hot takes.